Dating is hard work. Every single person I speak to says so. The emails, the texting, the phone calls, the planning and confirming can all be overwhelming. You’ve managed to work yourself up to something that resembles your shaving lather before you’ve even met her. You’ve narrated a story in your head and rarely does that story amount to anything more than a glimmer of love. Then, there’s the fear of rejection. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and you’ve got a handful of tickets.
What are you like to date? Are you naturally at ease with yourself? Are you interesting, or more importantly, interested? For a date to go well, you have to be authentic. You can’t pretend, you’ve got to be you.
The challenge is to overcome your insecurities and focus on how you’re going to communicate. I bet if you’re dating without much luck, there are vital clues in your communication style.
We live in an over-connected world, where our dating opportunities tend to be limited only by our ability to make quick decisions with the use of technology. It’s online dating, it’s mobile dating, it’s whatever can be invented, and it’s at top speed.
We also put unnecessary pressure on ourselves by having unreasonable expectations. What a date should look like, sound like or feel like can’t be premeditated. Would you watch the Formula 1 if you knew the outcome? The excitement is in the race.
You’ve put in some work to get the date, enjoy it, and be authentic. All good communicators are. If you ask the majority of women, good communication is high on the list of qualities they’re looking for in a man.
Oliver James, author of Affluenza, suggests authenticity is more than coming across as sincere. James argues your sincerity is accepted if you’re believed to have acted on the basis of powerful emotions. I’m sure most players act with sincerity. I believe they’re being sincere. You can be sincerely interested in what she’s got to say during your date. However, do you really care why? That’s being authentic. Authenticity is being real. It’s telling the truth. It requires you to show your moral cards. You need to lay them out on the table.
It’s not easy to share these intimate details with such honesty. The basis of any good conversation is honesty, though.
Are you guilty of leading conversation with whats and hows; like what you own and how you got it?
Whys sound better, feel better, are better.
Men can be very black and white in their communication with women. A woman wants to know why you’re motivated. What gets you up out of bed every morning, and why should she be interested? Generally, women will warm to men who can listen, who can express themselves with confidence and have a moral sense of judgement. Not all women want you to be their husband or father their children, but they do want to feel safe.
A tip for good conversation is reflective responses. It communicates understanding and acceptance. How important are these two attributes to women? We hear it all the time: you don’t understand, or why can’t you just accept what I’m saying?
How do you become a good reflective communicator? Focus on feeling words. Think about how you’d feel if you where in her shoes. Read her body language.
If you do this, you’ll increase your chances of a second date, and the ever elusive third. According to Australia’s No.1 Dating site, RSVP, a recent study showed 74% of people are waiting until at least the third date before having sex. If you can’t get past the first or second date, you might want to consider how you communicate.
Be authentic. Tell her why.