Sybarite is our Features Writer from London, UK
How do you have baby making sex? Is it supposed to be meaningful love making sex? Man on top whispering “I love you, you’re beautiful” with the woman moaning softly beneath. Or passionate sex? Hours of oral stimulation, sticky, sweaty, intense positioning before shaking with pleasure. Or can it be dirty fucking sex? Being picked-up, slammed against the wall and banged until bruised.
I don’t know if I like the idea of my child being made the same way an animal takes it from behind. Or worse, that it was made without mummy cuming harder than Zidane’s Materazzi head butt in the 2006 FIFA World Cup Final. I’m think that the answer is: a healthy midpoint between the two. The curiosity encouraged me to find out more.
Many people I know now have children. Realistically, being in my late-20s, I probably know more people who have than haven’t. I do enjoy a survey, however it’s rather awkward to instigate a conversation to uncover a) if they can pinpoint the sex that made baby, and b) what transpired during that romp.
So after reading articles such as Ways to Spice Up Your Baby Making Sex, Sex Positions to Get You Pregnant and Can Baby Making Sex Be Hot? I discovered the Baby Making Sex Menu I dreamt of doesn’t really exist in world wide web land. Nobody wants to share or admit what got them off so badly that their bodies were able to create a little human.
Basal thermometers. Ovulation predictor kits. Cervical mucus. Fertile Yoga. Are you getting turned on?
From positions and techniques to breathing and timing, there’s a whole world of academic theory on the topic of How to, but none on How to Enjoy. I learnt that you should try upside-down sex if you really want to hit the nail on the head. Conversely, have sex in space if you don’t want to pop out a mini-me any time soon.
Sex is supposed to be fun, right? Apparently, when it’s for the purpose of procreation, the fun part often gets lost. In the March 2012 issue of New! Magazine, Khloe Kardashian declared, “Sex became a job instead of being fun and easy.”
Frankly, if sex became a nine to 10-hour session with a mere 15-minute break to pee and eat, at least six pointless interruptions and four counterproductive meetings, all the while being seduced by dulcet tones of a phone ringing non-stop, then what a sad experience making a baby must be. Only a celebrity could make such a claim, as my middle class inbox would surely have exceeded maximum size by the end of the working day.
Furthermore, “It’s really not vital for you to reach orgasm after your partner, or even to reach orgasm at all, for you to conceive.”
What a depressing thought that is.
I say have a spliff, watch some porn and fuck like you did when you wanted to be selfish and single.