Word to the Wise

I have been lucky enough to have lived in several different countries and been exposed to a plethora of different cultures.

I am by no means an expert, but I feel I can impart the following knowledge with the benefit of experience and my catalogue of friends, acquaintances and random idiots.

Here it goes:

  • Don’t keep cancelling on her
  • Don’t cheat on her with your secretary, even if she is as flexible as a Romanian gymnast
  • Don’t talk incessantly about exes
  • Don’t go out with anyone who talks incessantly about their ex
  • Don’t go out with anyone who knows more about gambling than you do
  • Don’t get caught by your fiancé’s mate getting blown outside a nightclub
  • Don’t drink so much that you piss the bed… when you are sharing it with your partner
  • Don’t introduce her to your more attractive, richer friend if you think she might be a gold digger
  • Don’t accidently call her your ex’s name
  • Don’t accidently call her your ex’s name during sex
  • Don’t answer any questions about clothes making her look fat
  • Don’t get someone else pregnant
  • Don’t pester her for extreme sex acts and then tell everyone, including her mates
  • Don’t move to another country
  • Don’t forget to check for an Adam’s apple, if you have a hunch
  • Don’t tell her you are just popping out for milk and go to Denmark for a week
  • Don’t put up with her whining and moaning because the sex was mind-blowingly good
  • Don’t try and explain prolonged absences by telling her you are a secret service agent
  • Don’t go out with anyone who shortens their name to “J-Dog”, “Missy G”, “D-Lo” or any R&B derivative
  • Don’t suddenly discover that you are actually gay
  • Don’t agree to have dinner with her family, then go on a three-day bender
  • Don’t blow off a date because the football is on
  • Don’t bring her to the football
  • Don’t go out with someone who has rooms full of stuffed toys or Barbie dolls
  • Don’t go out with someone who wants you to engage in conversation with one of her stuffed animals
  • Don’t go out with any girl who has more cats than rooms in their house
  • Don’t make her pay, let her
  • Don’t go out with anyone who uses the words “Kardashian, Gaga, Big Brother or Shire” unless they are plotting a hate crime
  • Don’t go out with her if you know she is religious and you think you can turn her
  • Don’t go out with her if you know she is gay and you think you can turn her
  • Don’t pursue a relationship with anyone who asks you what star sign you are

And it’s probably not a good idea to go out with a girl who is heavily pierced, tattooed, vegan, pregnant with someone else’s baby, or has dreadlocks.


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