Must Have Good Sense of Humour

I had just got out of a particularly harrowing relationship. I was completely heartbroken.

One mate recommended I give internet dating a go.

I was a bit wary of coming across as a complete serial killer or a geeky nerd. So, I answered the generic questions, stuck my profile picture up and forgot about it.

I searched for girls who lived in the area with shared interests and got a few matches from girls who were no longer active members (terrific site administration). There was one stunner who had recently moved to the area. She was well out of my league. She was out of everyone’s league. I had my doubts about the authenticity of her profile, particularly her picture.

By coincidence, I actually know her now. It was a real picture. She appears to be very high maintenance, but a nice girl, just not the sort you’d like having access to your bank account.

I logged in to the dating site one lunchtime and noticed that my number of views had shot up and my inbox was in double figures with messages. They were all from the same member with the user name: HRNYGRL.

She sent me a few flirtatious messages. I sent non-descript responses. I thought it might have been one of my mates having a laugh at my expense.

HRNYGRL sent me her mobile number and told me to get in touch.

Easter was coming up. I had a few days off work, so I flicked her an SMS to ask what she would be doing over Easter.

My phone beeped almost immediately with, “Hopefully U!”

I had planned a day in the Mountains with some mates on the Saturday, but had the Friday and Monday off.

I left it a while and sent her a message to find out where she lived. It turns out, she wasn’t far away, so I got her address and arranged to pick her up to go for a walk and a chat. I got spectacularly lost in the rabbit warren of side streets and had to call her.

It dawned on me that I had never actually spoken to her. She answered in a thick accent. I was nervous about what I was getting in to. She gave me directions and then I saw her. She was standing in her doorway in an ill-fitting green dress and matching large plastic earrings.

She was a big girl.

I got out of the car and gave her a peck on the cheek, as I held the door open for her. I was almost knocked backwards with the perfume. I’m no expert but I’d put money on it that she was wearing something by Beyoncé or Britney Spears.

We exchanged small-talk and I drove to the beach. We got out and walked along the seafront. It was freezing. I put my arm around (half) her waist. She said she was cold, so I offered my coat. She smiled and held my hand. We had been walking for about ten minutes and she was almost out of breath. I decided we should go back to the car. I didn’t want her to collapse.

All I could picture the whole time I was with her was a lonely, unhappy girl sitting in front of the TV, comfort-eating and wishing she had a boyfriend.

We drove back to my apartment and sat down on the lounge. She leant in to me and I gave her a kiss. She said I was making her all hot and I should really stop. She looked up at me with her big doe eyes and bit her lip. She didn’t want me to stop.

The next thing I knew she was on her knees, as I leant over frantically trying to close the blinds in case a double-decker bus came past.

It was an interesting first date.

She certainly lived up to her name.

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