Marriage has always been something I wanted. Since tying the knot, I have certainly changed. I suppose I was always fairly considerate of others, but having a wife and kids really makes you take stock and think about things. I no longer bungee or BASE jump, play Russian roulette, free climb glaciers, hang glide or … More How Marriage Has Changed Me
So, there I was minding my own business on the bus ride home when I was distracted by a whimper. I think “whimper” is the right word to describe it. I had my headphones in, but I still heard a distinct whimper. I looked in the direction of the whimperer. I wouldn’t describe her as … More From Chick Lit to Cliterature
According to the band Half Man Half Biscuit: “There is nothing better in life, than writing on the sole of your slipper with a biro.” I have the utmost respect for them, but they have never spent a night of depravity in the company of an energetic nymphomaniac ninja-chick. I had been invited to a … More Revenge of the Sith
It was very late. The party at the field hockey club had finished hours ago and we had managed to find a house party to keep the festivities going. The host swapped AC/DC for Rush, and in the brief gap between music, I heard a girl swearing, a door slam and laughing. I lifted my … More For Those About to Rock, We Salute You
“My mate fancies you.” It’s hard to know how to react to that phrase. Who is your mate? Does she not have the manners and self-respect to ask me out herself? Is she hideously disfigured? Is she going to point and laugh if I ask her out? Is this a gee up? I must have … More My Mate Fancies You
Nothing can prepare you for the birth of your first child. You can go to all the prenatal classes you like, read the books, listen to the experts’ horror stories about 50-hour labour. I’m sorry, it won’t do you any good. Don’t get me wrong, having children is one of the most rewarding things ever. … More The Most Effective Form of Birth Control
I challenge any red-blooded male not to be distracted by, let’s call her Kylie, because that was her name (her mother was an avid Neighbours fan). Sadly, she had lost her mother as a teenager. Her Will had instructed her only daughter to spend the inheritance on something fun, something she wanted, but others might … More Sugar Daddies, Diamonds and Girls
I have been lucky enough to have lived in several different countries and been exposed to a plethora of different cultures. I am by no means an expert, but I feel I can impart the following knowledge with the benefit of experience and my catalogue of friends, acquaintances and random idiots. Here it goes: Don’t … More Word to the Wise
It was New Year’s Eve. 2003, maybe 2004? I remember it being a Saturday, because I had an away match at a club, about 80 kilometres away. For some reason they had scheduled fixtures on the holiday and we had a lot of players missing. I agreed to play, as bailing on the match would … More She’s Gotta Have It
I was introduced to her and thought it was a windup. There was no way she was a management accountant. She was in her mid 30s and had porcelain skin. I half expected her to take off her horn-rimmed glasses, sweep her long hair out of the tidy bun and straddle me. If I’m honest, … More The Married Woman
The money was rubbish, but I did very little work. I spent my mornings sleeping in the storeroom or browsing the internet. There was no dress code and I got cheap beer on a Friday. It was a cushy number. I did a bit of proofreading now and again and basically, got away with it. … More Christmas Shenanigans
I refused to do mind-numbing data entry, not because it was beneath me (it was), or that I was no good at typing quickly and accurately (I wasn’t) but because I knew it would drive me insane. I knew I would end up reaching for the service revolver and going for a long walk in … More It’s Always the Quiet Ones
